A Different Stewardship Campaign!

I read a lot.  Before breakfast I have usually read three papers, gone through Zite to see what I have missed!  Then there are emails and Facebook and Twitter.  And that is before I come to work!  Here, there is always a cornucopia of information to read, and it seems to come from all directions.

I’m not making this up!

I still get faxes!  (You remember, the machine that looks like a printer through which you can send documents to another person?  Yeah, that door-stop-thingy!)  On an almost daily basis I sacrifice lots of trees so that I might know about a “Holiday Wreath Fundraiser Program,” (2 copies this week) “Telephone Giant” is waiting to hear from me to buy all types of used telephone equipment; I should look at these LOWLife Insurance rates; and I can take advantage of fall rates on 4 Days & 3 Nights in Orlando or a Bahama Cruise all for just $199 per person.  (If you want details on any of these wonderful offers, contact me today, before the trash is taken out!)  It doesn’t matter how many times I call, email and fax them to say “Take me off your list of wonderful offers,” they still come!

But today was different!  Today I got one from a Collection Agency!  Immediately I thought, what have I not paid?  But NO!  They were offering to collect for us!  “We are a licensed and bonded collection agency.  We offer a full array of receivable solutions that ensures you receive the best rate of return possible.”

How did they know we are about to start our stewardship campaign?

Think of the notice they would send.  “Do you know what you owe God?  EVERYTHING, and we are here to collect!  We are willing to negotiate, say, $.50 on the dollar.  Too high?  Well, since you are willing to deal with this, what about $25 on the dollar?  But that is as low as I can go!  You don’t want this to get messy!”

Just think of the possibilities!  No more guilt producing sermons that talk about money!  No more anxious nights wondering if the youth will have to hitchhike home from camp!  No more pondering on whether to pay the pastor or the light bill!  (Correct answer–the pastor!)  No more of those pesky little financial problems!  Just turn it over to saintlix.com  (I didn’t even know they were a Godly service!)

Perhaps this is why I have kept the fax machine beside my desk!  Now if only a wonderful sermon service would fax their services!  And how about wedding-by-fax?

Ahh, ministry is getting easier by the minute!


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